My Immortal Commentary
by inc4ndescent
Summary: I know this is really over done, but I just couldn't help myself. So sit back and enjoy my commentary on the decidedly worst fanfiction ever written. Warning: strong language, OOC-ness, thingies in you-know-whats, and your eyes may bleed. Enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

****Okay, so it begins. My commentary on the worst piece of shit ever written. Enjoy. My comments are in bold.

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**Chapter 1.**

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik)** Wow, you're so clever.** 2 my gf (ew not in that way)** You wrote it, and what's wrong with lesbians?** raven, bloodytearz666**. **4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. **Raven, you're fired** U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way **Nope. No Marie Sues over here. **and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) **Really!? You were born with long black hair? I was bald as a baby. **with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears **How poetic of you.** and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). **I wish I could.** I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. **INCEST! **I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. **I'm a human but my teeth are curly and rainbow. **I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England **Scotland** where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). **No shit Sherlock **I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) **Oh believe me, I'm well aware **and I wear mostly black. **Again, no shit.** I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. **Are there even Hot Topics in Scotland? **For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. **I don't give a fuck.** I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining **At the same time? Fucking magic bro **so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. **For those who don't speak Ebony, Preps = The general public** I put up my middle finger at them. **You're just a ball of sunshine aren't you**

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy! **NO! Draco! Run for it! Run away while you still can!**

"What's up Draco?" I asked. **Oh now you've done it Draco. Stupid boy.**

"Nothing." he said shyly. **Draco Malfoy? Shy?! Is the world ending!?**

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. **What a stimulating conversation that was.**

AN: IS it good? **No. **PLZ tell me fangz! **You're welcome… I think.**


	2. Chapter 2

****Chapter two. We get introduced to Willow, Raven's character, here. Do enjoy.

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**Chapter 2.**

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta!** Again, you're fired.** BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok! **NEVER!**

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. **Really, I usually wake up in the hallway. **It was snowing and raining again. **That's some crazy weather they got there in Scotland.** I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. **You just keep bottles of blood laying around? **My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. **Oh good lord. **I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. **Whore. **I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u! **Do I get a character?**) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. **Woah! She did all that before she even opened her eyes! **She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.) **The hell happened to the uniform?**

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly. **Oh Em FF G! I thought you guys were goffic?**

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing. **Fact: Vampires do not have blood in their veins, so they therefore cannot blush.**

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall. **The fuck happened to the corridors? **

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. **Oh, smooth.**

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me. **NO! Run Draco!**

"Hi." he said. **Damn.**

"Hi." I replied flirtily. **Thought you didn't like him?**

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me. **Yeah, muggle bands in a wizard village…. Nothing weird going on there. Nope.**

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. **Good God woman! Control yourself! **I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. **Stop ruining good bands!**

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped. **I love cliff-hangers. So suspenseful.**


	3. Chapter 3

****All right, well here's chapter 3...

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**Chapter 3**

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis **No, no. Take credit for your crap **or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte. **Really? Had me fooled.**

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff **Lol. Best description ever! "Corset stuff" **on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. **You put one fish net on both arms?** I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. **Like a porcupine? **I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. **Where the hell did that come from? **I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding **Poor book, did Ebony make you cry? **and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. **You put it on yesterday though… **I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert. **Because that's what I do before every concert.**

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. **Where the hell did he get a car, let alone a flying one?! **He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!). **Aaaaaah. Draco, baby! No! Look what she's done to you!**

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. **Lol. I always use exclamation points to express depression. **

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz **I walk into cars all the time. **(the license plate said 666) **I don't give a fuck **and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. **This explains so much. **When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. **Yeah, who cares about parking? Just jump out of the flying car. **We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood

They're all so happy you've arrived

The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom

She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song). **I guessed as much.**

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice. **That's not what you say to your date, idiot.**

Suddenly Draco looked sad. **Really? I wonder why.**

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on. **Wow, I didn't know you had it in you.**

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said. **Damn, I thought she was going let him go.**

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective. **THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING! "sensitively", "protective"? This is not Malfoy, it is an imposter.**

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. **Her face is blond. Wow, that's special.**

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. **Oh, I'm sure.** After the concert, we drank some beer **Lol. My role models **and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. **Fact: Vampires do not show up in photographs **We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, **Walking is over rated** but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest! **What's going to happen?! The suspense it just killing me. -_-**


	4. Chapter 4

****I would like to put in a quick warning here. There will be some immaturely described sex. And Dumbledore certainly has something to say about it. Lol! Enjoy.

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**Chapter 4.**

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY nut mary su OK! **YEAH! Her name is ENOBY nut mary sue OK! **DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! **Oh good lord. Head, meet desk. **dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?" **I love how polite she is.**

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. **Again with the free falling. **I walked out of it too, curiously. **I hope she dies.**

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily. **Again, so polite.**

"Ebony?" he asked. **It's Enoby.**

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) **…. I can't.** which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. **Yeah, I love it when my date's eyes express depressing sorrow.**

And then… suddenly just as I **That wasn't at all necessary to the sentence **Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. **He… I…. Poor tree.** He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. **Really? Wow, that's hardcore.** Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. **BAHAHAHAHA I can't! This is too perfect! "thingie" and "you know what"**

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!" **I would pay disgusting amounts of money to hear Dumbledore say this.**

It was….Dumbledore! ***Bangs head on wall***


	5. Chapter 5

****Well in this chapter we find some awesome new insults to try out. Enjoy, as always.

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**Chapter 5**

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! **I guess I'm a prep, along with pretty much everybody else.** Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache **I use this excuse all the time **ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws! **I seriously doubt she ever got 5 good reviews. **

Dumbledore made andDraco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted. **This is soooo going on the top of my insult list.**

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. **You should probably go see a doctor about that. **Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry. **So… did they already know what you did, or they're just always angry?**

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice. **I guess they didn't know, until now that is.**

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall. **Again, one of my new favorite insults.**

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape. **Aw, Snape-y poo doesn't get a cool line?**

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" **Woah there! Calm yo tits boy. You probably don't even know her full name (3 middle names included).**

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms." **That's my new favorite excuse:**

**"Why are you late for class?" "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" "Oh, well then just go take your seat."**

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently. **It's Enoby... Get her name right! I thought you loved her**

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. **What the fuck? Who wears that to bed, or at all for that matter.** When I came out…. **Oh, the suspense.**

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte. **That is a muggle band, Draco is a Pureblood. Why would he know of it? **I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.

***Slams head into desk repeatedly***


	6. Chapter 6

****Well, the prepz are still flaming. No surprise there. In this chapter we meet the chosen one... sort of. Though I hear he goes by a new name now. There will also be giggling and roaring. Enjoy.

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**Chapter 6**

AN: shjt up prepz ok! **Yeah prepz, SHJT up! **PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows! **I'm pretty sure she just reviews her own story. That's the only possible way she had good reviews.**

The next day I woke up in my coffin. **No fucking shit, Sherlock. **I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple. **With actual spray paint… not hair dye? Spray paint?**

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal **The cereal for vampires **with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. **As opposed to purple blood, that shit's just nasty. **Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top. **You're a vampire, just lick it up.**

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. **So fucking polite. It kills me.** I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. **Oh no…** He was wearing so much eyeliner that it was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore **I know where this is going… **and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forehead anymore. **I'm going to be sick…** He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko. **Once again, you fucking said it, miss girl erection. **

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice. **Why is everyone so shy!?**

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.

"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled. **Lol! This is too perfect!**

"Why?" I exclaimed. **Is she really this stupid?**

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled. **He giggled. Fucking giggled. Since when does ****Harry ****Vampire giggle?**

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.

"Really?" he whimpered. **Why is he whimpering? Why can't he just say it?**

"Yeah." I roared. **Oh my god.**

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him. **Five knuts says I can guess the surprise! It's thingie time!**


	7. Chapter 7

****So, in this chapter we have some more boy thingies and all that good stuff. I won the bet. Everybody pay up their 5 knuts. Ebony/Enoby/Evony also discovers a new detail about Draco and Vampire's past together. Enjoy, as always.

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**Chapter 7**

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. **I don't believe you. **n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! **She's heavily German now. **STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! **Do it bitch! No balls. **Evony **Another name change! I'm losing track here **isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! **What does that have to do with anything! **n she has problemz **Believe me, I know!** shes depressed 4 godz sake!

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish** I thought it was black?** (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u? **Yes. Very much so.**). I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. **You should be a poet, Ebony/Enoby/Evony** I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then… **I think I won the bet.**

We started frenching passively **Lol. Passively frenching, sounds awkward** and we took off each other's clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. **I thought you already took your fucking clothes off?! **We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine **you have a boy thingy?** and we HAD SEX. **Oh my fucking god. **(c is dat stupid? **YES!**)

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. **Good lord, please help us. **It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire! **Well, didn't see that coming.**

I was so angry.

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much. **You know nothing!**

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!" **Yeah, from you!**

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. **You had time to put your clothes on, but he didn't. Okay then. **He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. **I'm sure you were.** I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people. **"some other people" Lol. **

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled. **Lol! One of the best lines! I'm going to yell this at someone.**


	8. Chapter 8

****Now Draco is running around Snape's class naked... and I'd say the potions master isn't too happy about it. We also get to meet B'loody Mary Smith. Who knew that Hermione was actually a half blood vampire witch? Not me. Enjoy.

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**Chapter 8**

AN: stop flassing ok! if u do de prep! **1. How does one "flass" and 2. Let's remember kiddies, a prep = normal people. **

Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back. **Why!?**

"Ebony**/Enoby/Evony**, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly. **How do you scream sadly?!**

My friend B'loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly. **Insert Mary Sue number three here. **She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. **Again with the smiling with her eyes closed! They're all so talented! **She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. **Da fuck? **Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch **NO! She's a mudblood. **but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. **Oh, I'm sure.** It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. **Why though? **(Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. **You spelled Gryffindor wrong, first off. And second, why does being a Satanist make you a Slytherin?**)

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" **Added to insult list. **Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.

"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him.

Everyone gasped. ***Gasp***

I don't know why Ebony**/Enoby/Evony** was so mad at me. **… I think we switched POV? **I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony**/Enoby/Evony**) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. **So.. she was a normal person? **We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. **Don't you mean goffic?** (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)

"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire.

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. **This chic has quite the mouth.** I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest **Again, where the fuck are the corridors?** where I had lost my virility **Definition of virility:** **the state of being male, having male characteristics, or male sexual potency **to Draco and then I started to burst into tears.


	9. Chapter 9

****Shit gets real in this chapter. We even get a visit from the Shakespearean Dark Lord himself. Or, at least his look alike seeing as we aren't sure if it's really him. But in the end, Draco and Ebony/Enoby/Evony work out their differences. Enjoy.

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**Chapter 9**

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! **What movie are you watching!? **besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! **How the hell do you even know that! **MCR ROX!

I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco. **That's right, just rub some nostalgia in that wound.**

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! **I'm just going to ignore the grammar. **He didn't have a nose **Yeah, you said that already **(basically like Voldemort in the movie **Maybe because it is Voldemort?**) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. **No, of course not. **It was… Voldemort! **Really?! **

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" **The correct incantation is imperio **and I couldn't run away. **I think she means Petrificus Totalus? … Maybe?**

"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him. **That's not even a spell! **Voldemort fell off his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped. **Da fuck?**

"Ebony**/Enoby/Evony**." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!" **Lol! Shakespeare Voldemort!**

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up? **Oh wow. You're a genius, aren't you.**

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.

Voldemort gave me a gun. **Why would Voldemort have a gun!? **"No! Please!" I begged.

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!" **Oooh, the plot thickens.**

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. **See, someone agrees with me! **"I hath telekinesis." **Telekinesis: the supposed psychic power to move or change the shape of inanimate objects without the use of physical force **he answered cruelly. "And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods. **Join the party.**

"Draco!" I said. "Hi!" **Is she bipolar?**

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit **… No, I really don't?**) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.

"Are you okay?" I asked. **No, of course not. He knows you.**

"No." he answered.** Good answer.**

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled. **You expelled? I wish you would expel yourself from this school.**

"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out. **You walked and made out at the same time. Wow, that's fucking talent right there.**


	10. Chapter 10

Here's chapter 10 for you guys. In this installment of crap that makes your eyes bleed uncontrollably, we discover that Enoby is the lead singer AND guitar player of her band, and Draco dies. Enjoy.

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**Chapter 10**

AN: stup it u gay fags **Hey! That's really offensive. **if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle afert al **Since when was she ever a muggle?** n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!

I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666. **Wow, what an original, creative name. Kudos. -_- **I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. **Of course…** People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR. **They lied. **The other people in the band are B'loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo **The dictionary says Diabolo is a game with a spinning top.** now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.) and Hargrid. **Hargrid. Hargrid? Really? **Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists **Such a concerned girlfriend you are. **(he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that **There has to be something wrong with you. **) or a steak) and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. **How is The Corpse Bride depressing? It's an animated children's movie! ** I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not. **Oh, you're a slut alright.**

We were singing a cover of 'Helena' and at the end of the song I suddenly burst into tears. **I would probably cry too if I had to hear you sing.**

"Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted voice. ***Face Palm***

"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily. **Why are you so bloody mean all the time! ** And then I said. "Well, Voldemort came **I don't think you should be announcing that **and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! **Potty mouth! Potty mouth! **But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!" I burst into tears.

Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall. **Boo!**

"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!" (c is dat out of character? **Yes. So out of character I've decided to pretend it's not actually Draco, but a made up character.**)

I started to cry and cry. **Cry AND Cry. Double the crying, double the sadness. **Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying. **Draco fucking Malfoy is not sensitive. He's an arrogant prat that doesn't at all care about other people. **

We practiced for one more hour. **Yeah, don't go comfort your hysterical boyfriend or anything. Gosh. **Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache. **Well then he better not start swearing, or he won't have an excuse to use!**

"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely. (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) "Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists." **I thought he couldn't die from that? Get your shit together woman! Don't make me get the c-r-o-s-s!**


	11. Chapter 11

****Snap and Loopin make a guest appearance in this chapter and record a scandalous video of our dear Enoby. Then Vampire comes in and points his womb at snap. I'm going to admit, I had no idea what was going on for over half of this chapter. Oh, and Hargrid loves our darling Mary Sue; but then again who doesn't? Enjoy.

* * *

**Chapter 11**

AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 **I guarantee it will be. **it delz wit rly sris issus! sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid **I actually couldn't tell what that said…. awkward…. **brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me!

"NO!" I screamed. I was horrorfied! B'loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off **So polite. It's a wonder she even has friends **and I ran to my room crying myself. Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way. **No, he would look like an angry professor. But whatever you say Enoby.**

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood **Go and see a fucking doctor! **and then I slit both of my wrists. **Watch out, that might kill you… I think? **They got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. **Stop. Ruining. Bands. I. Like.** I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. **Was it well done or rare? I personally like my steaks somewhere in the middle.** I was so fucking depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. **Is that even a word? **I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff **"metal stuff" Here we go with the amazing descriptions again **on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings. **Only six, don't want to overdo it or anything **I couldn't fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap **Crackle and Pop…. **was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin **Loooooooopin! **was masticating **Definition of masticating: to grind and pulverize food inside the mouth, using the teeth and jaws **to it! They were sitting on their broomsticks.

"EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!" **Or what ** I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it. **Random **Suddenly Vampire ran in. **Oh here we go….**

"Abra Kedavra!" **That's not even a spell! **he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb. **I…. I can't… No. Just no. This is too much. I'm dying right now. I think I may just piss my pants.** I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times **That's a shit load of bullets **and they both started screaming and the camera broke. **I'm pretty sure they'd be dead. **Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. **DUMBLYDORE! **"Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly… **This is where shit gets weird. Fair warning.**

Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk.

"What do you know, Hargrid? You're just a little Hogwarts student!" **He's actually a BIG game's keeper… but whatever… It's your story Evony.**

"I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT…." Hargirid paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!" **Why does this keep coming up!**

"This cannot be." **Oh, but it is. **Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore's wand had shot him. "There must be other factors." **Factors to what?**

"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in madly. **Have any what! What is going on?!**

Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly. **Trium-elephantly. **"The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!" **Oh good! I thought it was lost for good!**

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood. **Thanks for sharing.**

"Why are you doing this?" Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook. **Doing what? What is happening?**

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. **That wasn't confusing or anything. **I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint. **Definitely go with the latter option. Seems to make the most sense.**

"BECAUSE…BECAUSE…." Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent. **Goffic Gangsta Hargid!**

"Because you're goffic?" Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan. **Oh, I'm sure that's exactly what he was afraid of.**

"Because I LOVE HER!" **Not you too! Curse you Marie Sue, with all of your sue-ness powers!**


	12. Chapter 12

****Well, the chosen one has a vision in this chapter. Turns out that Draco isn't dead after all. He's being held in bondage by Volfemort. Oh, and there will also be a random ball of black fire that somehow proves Hairgrid isn't a prep. Don't ask me, I'm as confused as you most certainly will be. And if any of you know where Raven put Enoby's sweater, please let her know. She's looking for it. Enjoy.

* * *

**Chapter 12**

AN: stop f,aing ok hargrid is a pedo 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat I wunted 2 adres da ishu! how du u no snap iant kristian plus hargrid isn't really in luv wif ebony dat was sedric ok! **I… Didn't understand a word of that. I'm usually good at reading this shit.**

I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago had given me in case anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together. **How…. sweet…?**

"NO!" I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid but it was Vampire. He started to scream. **Who? Who the hell is screaming? I'm so lost! **"OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" **Waaaaaah. My scaaaaaaaaar hurtssss. and I'm the choseeeeen oneeeee, and my parents are deaaaad! Lol. **and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.** Damn, only his red whites? That seems pretty serious. **

I stopped. "How did u know?" **Know what?**

"I saw it! And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!" **Turned back into a lightning bolt? What the hell was it before?**

"NO!" I ran up closer. "I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted. **Yeah me to!**

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram **Hm, well that explains it. **for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt! Save me! **From what? **then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!" **I thought Draco was dead!**

Anyway I was in the school nurse's office now recovering from my slit wrists. **I still don't really know where you were before… So lost right now. **Snap and Loopin and HAHRID **HAHRID! **were there too. They were going to St. Mango's after they recovered cause they were pedofiles **Why would they go to St. Mango's (that sounds yummy by the way) if they were pedophiles? **and you can't have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz. **Oh no of course not. **Dumbledore had constipated **Lol! He was constipated. **the cideo camera they took of me naked. I put up my middle finger at them. **How sweet of you.**

Anyway Hargrid **I thought it was HAHRID **came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses.

"Enoby I need to tell u somethnig." he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses

"Fuck off." I told him. "You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway **You wear it all the fucking time and you coffin is fucking laced with it! Don't lie to me Enoby! I will have none of your crap!**, and I don't like fucked up preps like you." I snapped. Hargrid had been mean to me before for being gottik. ***goffick**

"No Enoby." **At least he knows her name. **Hargrid says. "Those are not roses." **Clearly.**

"What, are they goffs too you poser prep?" **That didn't make any sense whatsoever. ** I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses.

"I saved your life!" He yelled angrily. "No you didn't I replied." **Yes I did. No you didn't. Yes I did. No you didn't. Yes. No. Yes. No.** "You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued **What the hell does vued mean? **by Snap and Loopin." Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong **Yes.**) to it he added silently.

"Whatever!" I yelled angirly. **an-girly.**

He pointed his wand at the pink roses. "These aren't roses." He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye **That is the best way to perform magic **and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that's all you haD TO SAY! . **That's not a fucking spell! Learn some actual spells Enoby!**

"That's not a spell that's an MCR song." I corrected him wisely. **Okay. Good. Score one for Evony.**

"I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes." Then he screamed. "Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio **Never mind! That's not a spell either! **(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you girl! **I don't get it! **)imo noto okayo!" **-_-**

And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was black. **You said that already. **Now I knew he wasn't a prep. **Oh good, as long as you're sure.**

"OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?" **Yeah Hargid, enlighten us. What the fuck is Drako?**

Hairgrid **xD it just keeps getting better! **rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls of flame but I could c nothing.

"U c, Enobby," **Another name change? Really. Just pick one already! **Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. "2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT **No… I don't**) u mst find urslf 1st, k?" **Poetic Dumblydore**

"I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!" Hargrid yelled. dUMBLydore lookd shockd. **I would be shocked too! **I guess he didn't have a headache or else he would have said something back. **Yeah, and it wouldn't have been nice. We all know how dUMBLydore is when he has a headache!**

Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. "U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!"

Anyway when I got better I went upstairs and put on a black leather minidress that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it. There was some corset stuff **Its back! "corset stuff"** on the front. Then I put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong on them. **Your boots had pictures of him on them? o.O **I put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring (if u don't know who she iz ur a prep so fuk off! **Don't tell me what to do with my life Enobby**) and I put on blood-red lipstick, black eyeliner and black lip gloss.

"You look kawai, girl." B'loody Mary said sadly. **That didn't sound sad **"Fangs (geddit **Yes, unfortunately**) you do too." I said sadly too, but I was still upset. I slit both of my wrists feeling totally depressed and I sucked all the blood. **You don't have blood in your veins! You're a fucking vampire! **I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Snap and Loopin couldn't spy on me this time. **Yeah, because that ended so well for them last time **I went to some classes. **For the first time in the entirety of this fanfic. **Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures. **So he was just chilling in some random creatures fur?** He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco. He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff. **Because, you know. What else are Hufflepuffs for?**

"Hi." he said in a depressed way. "Hi back." I said in an wqually said way.

We both looked at each other for some time. **Oh no… **Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos. Then… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other. **What the hell! Enobby! You slut!**

"STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" **Added to insult list! **shouted Professor McGoggle who was watching us and so was everyone else.

"Vampire you fucker!" **another one of my favorite lines! **I said slapping him. "Stop trying to screw me. **I'm pretty sure you were involved in the screwing too. **You know I loved Draco!" I shouted and then I ran away angrily.

Just then he started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" **Again? **and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites. **He really should get that checked out**

"NO!" I ran up closer.

"I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted. **We've been through this…**

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." **For fuck's sake. **he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!" ***Slams head on desk repeatedly***

SPECIAL FANGZ 2 RAVEN MY GOFFIX BLOOD SISTA WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111 **Yeah Raven, wtf? **

HEY RAVEN DO U KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER IS **No, I have no clue. You need to start keeping better track of your shit.**


	13. Chapter 13

So in this installment of what could possibly be the worst shit I've ever read, we encounter a heartless Dumblydore and we visit Volsemort's lair. As always, enjoy.

* * *

**Chapter 13.**

AN: raven fangz 4 gelpin me agen im sory ah tok ur postr of gerard but dat guy is such a fokin sexbom! **It's not nice to steal **PREPZ STOP FLAMIGNG!

Vampire and I ran up the stairs looking for Dumbledore. We were so scared. **I would imagine so.**

"Dumbledore Dumblydore!" we both yelled. Dumbledore came there. **How sweet of him.**

"What is it that you want now you despicable snobs **Added to the insult list! **?" he asked angrily.

"Volsemort has Draco!" we shouted at the same time. **And who, pray tell, is Volsemort?**

He laughed in an evil voice. **Evil Dumblydore!**

"No! Don't! We need to save Draco!" we begged.

"No." he said meanly. "I don't give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco. Not after how much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Ebony." he said while he frowned looking at me. **God damn it Enoby! You ruin everything! Now Draco is going to die!**

"Besides I never liked him that much anyway." then he walked away. **Bahaha I love Dumblydore's compassion!**

Vampire started crying. "My Draco!" he moaned. (AN: don't u fik gay guyz r lik so hot! **I would, if I was also a gay guy.**)

"Its okay!" I tried to tell him but that didn't stop him. He started to cry tears of blood. **Go and fucking get that fucking checked the fuck out! What the hell! **Then he had a brainstorm. "I had an idea!" he exclaimed. **Oh boy…**

"What?" I asked him. **Yeah, what?**

"You'll see." he said.

He took out his wand and did a spell. **Very suspenseful. **Then… suddenly we were in Voldemprt's lair! **Holy shit balls! No way!**

We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon voice say. "Allah Kedavra!" ***face palm* don't bring religion into this Enoby!**

It was….. Voldemort! **Wow. I never would have guessed… -_-**


	14. Chapter 14

****As always, the prepz are flaming and our dear writer is really sick and tired of it. In this chapter we'll go on a great, dangerous adventure to save Draco. We'll meet Snaketail again and find that he really would like to fuck Enoby; who would have guessed. So she stabs him in the heart. Draco is saved, but there is no sexy fun time because Enoby is too perfect and talented. I'm sure you can see the dilemma. Enjoy.

* * *

**Chapter 14.**

AN: fuk off PREPZ ok! Raven fangz 4 helpin agen. im sory ah kudnt update but I wuz derperessd n I had 2 go 2 da hospital kuz I slit muh rists. **Self-harm is not a light subject. You shouldn't be joking about it.** PS im nut updating til u giv me 10 god revoiws! **How the hell did we get the next few chapters then?**

WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD. **The dictionary says that excretion is: ** **the act or process of discharging waste matter from the tissues or organs Consider me ADVISD.**

We ran to where Volcemort was. It turned out that Voldemort wasn't there. **But you just ran to him? **Instead the fat guy who killed Cedric was. **Who? Snaketail? **Draco was there crying tears of blood. **Doctor. You all need a doctor. **Snaketail was torturing him. Vampire and I ran in front of Snaketail.

"Rid my sight you despicable preps!" he shouted as we started shooting him with the gun **Yer a wizard! You have magic! **he Then suddenly he **that made a lot of sense **looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes. "." he said. **He didn't even say anything! WTF. **(in dis he is sixteen yrs old so hes not a pedofile ok)

"Huh?" I asked. **I'd be confused too.**

"Enoby I love you will you have sex with me?" asked Snaketail. I started laughing crudely. **Not only did you laugh, but you laughed crudely. You really are a sensitive soul, aren't you Enoby? **

"What the fuck? You torture my bf and then you expect me to fuck you? God, you are so fucked up you fucking bastard." I said angrily. Then I stabbed him in the heart. **Oh is that all? **Blood pored out of it like a fountain. **Glad to hear it.**

"Nooooooooooooo!" he screamed. **… He should be fucking dead. **He started screaming and running around. **But he was stabbed in the fucking heart! **Then he fell down and died. **Finally. **I brust into tears sadly.

"Snaketail what art thou doing?" called Voldemort. **xD Shakespearean Voldemort.. I can't. Holy shit. **Then… he started coming! We could hear his high heels clacking to us. **Voldemort is always in style. **So we got on our broomsticks and we flew to Hogwarts. **Good idea. **We went to my room. Vampire went away. There I started crying.

"What's wrong honey?" asked Draco taking off his clothes so we could screw. **Again? Really? What the hell? He was just tortured for shit's sake? **He had a sex-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah **I wish I didn't**) and a really huge you-know-what and everything. **and everything.**

"Its so unfair!" I yielded. **What? What did you yield to? **"Why can't I just be ugly or plain like all da other girls **You are ugly… **and preps here except for B'loody Mary, because she's not ugly or anything. **Oh no, of course not.**"

"Why would you wanna be ugly? I don't like the preps anyway. They are such fucking sluts." answered Draco. **As opposed to Enboby, who is practically a nun. **

"Yeah but everyone is in love with me! Like Snape and Loopin took a video of me naked. Hargrid says he's in love with me. Vampire likes me and now even Snaketail is in love with me! **Oh my fucking god. Snaketail is fucking dead. **I just wanna be with you ok Draco! Why couldn't Satan have made me less beautiful?" **What?** I shouted angrily. (an" don't wory enoby isn't a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told her shes pretty **See guys, don't worry. She's actually being rather modest.**)

"Im good at too many things! **Gah! The humanity! **WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT'S A FUCKING CURSE!" I shouted and then I ran away. **Let me play you the world's smallest violin. **


	15. Chapter 15

****And our dear writer attempts to guilt trip us. Yeah, okay. After Enoby's last uncalled for outburst Draco does everything he can to try to make it up to her. In the end they're just so sexxxy together that they can't stay away. Oh, and MCR is coming to Hogsmeade. Go wild. Enjoy.

**Chapter 15. **

AN: stup flaming ok! btw u suk frum no on evry tim sum1 flams me im gona slit muh ristsz! **Ah, I see what you're doing here. Guilt trips don't work on me, hun. **fangz 2 raven 4 hlpein!

"Ebony Ebony!" shouted Draco sadly. "No, please, come back!"

But I was too mad. **You're always too mad.**

"Whatever! Now u can go anh have sex with Vampire!" I shouted. **What did he do? Why are you so pissed at him? **I stormed into my room and closed my black door with my blood-red key. It had a picture of Marylin Manson on it. He looked so sexy in a way that reminded me of Draco and Vampire. **All of that information was extremely unnecessary ** I started to cry and weep. I took a razor and started to slit my wrists. I drank the blood all depressed. **You drank your own blood? That's hardcore. **Then I looked at my black GC watch and noticed it was time to go to Biology class. **Biology class? Biology? Really? Bio? In a magic school? Bio? At least you are attending a class. At least there is that.**

I put on a short ripped black gothic dress that said Anarchy on the front in blood red letters and was all ripped and a spiky belt. Under that I put on ripped black fishnets and boots that said Joel all over them with blood red letters. **I don't give any shits. **I put my ebony black hair out. Anyway I went downstairs feeling all sad and depressed as usual. **Yeah, I figured as much** I did sum advanced Biology work. **I doubt you're in advanced classes.** I was turning a bloody pentagram into a black guitar. **You were what? **Suddenly the guitar turned to Draco! **The guitar did what?**

"Enoby I love you!" he shouted sadly. **That didn't sound sad… **"I dnot care what those fucker preps and posers fink. **Excuse you, Mr. Malfoy. Let's calm down. **Ur da most beautiful girl in the world. **I doubt that, but okay. **Before I met you I used to want to commit suicide all the time. **Even though I'm a vampire and I can't die, though I did for a short time there, but it's okay, it was just a false alarm. **Now I just wanna fucking be with you. I fucking love you!." Then…. he started to sing "Da Chronicles of Life and Death" (we considered it our song now cuz we fell in love when Joel was singing it **How sweet, now excuse me while I go clean up my puke**) right in front of the entire class! His singing voice was so amazing and gothic and sexxy like a cross between Gerard, Joel, Chester, Pierre and Marilyn Manson **His voice was goffic **(AN: don't u fink dos guyz r so hot. if u dnot no who dey r get da fuk out od hr! **I wish I could, Enoby. Believe me, I wish I could**) .

"OMFG." **Oh Em F Gee! I'm so not a prep! **I said after he was finished. Some fucking preps stared at us but I just stuck up my middle fingers **classy.**(that were covered in black nail polish and were entwined with Draco's now **double classy**) at them.

"I love you!" I said and then we started to kiss just like Hilary Duff (i fukin h8 dat bitch **I'm well aware**) and CMM in a Cinderella Story. **How adorable **Then we went away holding hands.

Loopin shouted at us but he stopped cuz everyone was clapping by how sexy we looked 2gether. **Uh, huh. I'm sure. **Then I saw a poster saying that MCR would have a concert in Hogsmede right then. We looked at each other all shocked and then we went 2gether. **Just like that. Another muggle band in Hogsmeade. **


End file.
